Best Babysitter Ever!!!

When I woke up this morning, I picked up my phone to look at the time, and then this happened:

Now, let me start off by saying that Mikey has never, ever asked me to babysit his kids before, because he knows me better. The fact that he thought my being at work was a good time to test the success of trying out this fun new idea was questionable to me, but he didn't take my hint and a few minutes after I arrived, they showed up. 

I don't know what Mike is talking about when he says it's tough to wrangle two little kids at once - psh, it's a breeze! First, I stuck them in the corner of the play area:

They loved it!

Then I decided to let Liam do some drawing. He was delighted and when I said "are you drawing a picture for your daddy?" he said "Mommy. Mommy!" When I told Mike about it later, he said "I'm pretty sure he likes her better than me." Clearly this is true.

Screw you, dad!

While I was getting Liam set up, Finn escaped from the play area - those little legs are super fast, I'll give Mike that one. He then found and fell in love with the one toy responsible for the majority of body issues women developed as young girls: Barbie. Sorry, future girlfriends of Finn, this one's on me.

Oooooooooh!!

And a horse! With a tail!

I'M IN LOVE!!

In the time it took me to capture this precious memory on iphonefilm, I lost Liam. This is a pretty bad thing to do when you're watching a friend's kids, but I figured since Mike didn't give me enough notice to buy some leashes, I wasn't actually at fault. Still, I got a little worried. I looked everywhere I could think of but couldn't find him anywhere!

Where is he?!

I finally found him. He'd been inside the clothing rack the whole time! Ha!! Kids. 

He helped me pick all that up, FYI

Then the boys discovered every kid's favorite place to play at Sprout. No, it isn't the play area, and it isn't wherever Macy is trying desperately to sleep and avoid children. It isn't with all of the toys - or any of the toys for that matter.

It's behind the counter, where all of my precious worky things are.

Busted!

I decided it was time for some fresh air, so we all went outside to water the plants. It turns out Finn loves plants and being outside, where he can jump off of, and on to, and off of, and on to, and off of, and on to the curb. After sniffing some flowers and doing lots of jumping, I suggested we go back inside. Liam walked in peacefully like the perfectly obedient little charge that he was, but Finn wasn't so into the idea.

"Nooooooooo."

I finally lured him in with promises of Barbie's undying love, at which point he and his brother proceeded to trash the place:

Ima fuck up this sign!

Ima throw all the toys on the floor!

Ima shake this shit out of this machine!

We had a GREAT time together! Best of all, Mikey paid me with cheese enchiladas from Taco Grande! Not that I could eat it right away since he decided to tell me a story about how after he'd dropped off the boys he'd had to rush home to use the bathroom because he'd been really backed up lately and had eaten a bag of prunes with 2 cups of coffee for breakfast and boy had that ever worked! Needless to say that made me lose my appetite because poop stories are inappropriate and gross.

Finn, creating a poop story of his own...

All in all, last-minute babysitting in my store while also working and trying to take care of customers worked out fairly well. This time. But just so we're clear - NO, I am NOT available to babysit your kids. Have a nice day!

Everybody Poops - Except Me

"Love is hiding who you really are at all times, even when you’re sleeping. Love is wearing make up to bed, and going downstairs to the Burger King to poop, and hiding alcohol in perfume bottles. That’s love." - Jenna Maroney, 30 Rock

*************

If there's one thing I miss about my ex, its talking about poop. This was in no way a taboo subject for us, and in fact friends and family would often ask us to please, please stop describing our poops to each other when they were around.

Having now ventured into the real world, I've been surprised to find that this is not, in fact, a completely open topic. Some people don't want to hear about poop, pooping, and all of the variations on that topic that are hilarious to discuss at great length (no pun intended). (Okay, the pun was intended, who am I kidding?)

So you can imagine my distress when I started dating someone and went for a weekend at his place for the first time, only to find when I got there that he had no bathroom. Oh yes, you read that right: No Bathroom. Allow me to revisit that conversation:

Me - "so...there's no...bathroom?"
Person I was Newly Dating - "there's a bathroom on the property. But it can only handle number one"
Me - "hahahaha....oh wait, what?"
Person I was Newly Dating - "ha, yeah. It can't handle number 2"
Me - "oh, heh heh, I thought you were kidding"
Person I was Newly Dating - "no"
Me - "well, um, listen. This is a super unsexy thing to ask someone I just started dating, but...well, sometimes I do poop? So...well...where would I do that? I mean, should I go dig a hole in the back yard or something? Do you have a little shovel for that?"
Person I was Newly Dating - "ha ha ha, no, no. You can just go over to the gas station. Or there's a Safeway, its about a 5-minute walk from here."

At this point I would like to say that he was completely serious, straight-faced, and seemed very casual about the fact that he'd just told me that I had to plan my poops. I'm kind of a 'wake up, make some tea (which I couldn't do anyway, since he also had no kitchen), futz around until I feel that feeling, then go poop' kind of a girl. It has its own time frame, but usually when I'm ready, I'm ready.

I did go to the gas station, twice. The first time there was a barely-legible, water-splattered sign on the door that said "Lock Broke - plz knok first." Fuck if I was going to take a crap in there! Someone might walk in on me? No thank you. The second time I went, on a different weekend, the bathroom was out of order.

I don't know about you, but when I have to go poop, a nice stroll to Safeway or any other public restroom is not really an option for me. So, I had no choice but to just not poop. I tried to eat binding foods and move as little as possible. After a few visits my sense of humor started to wane, and I suggested that maybe he start visiting me, at my home, where I have a refrigerator and a functioning toilet and all kinds of fancy amenities!

Unfortunately, that hasn't been my only Dating Kills Pooping experience. My poop schedule is all out of whack.


If you ever get the chance to go to Orr Hot Springs, I highly recommend it. Its very lovely and relaxing, and a great getaway for new lovers. Just don't go with a vegan. Because you'll be eating a lot of salad, stir-fried vegetables, raw vegetables, kale, hummus, spinach....I mean, you get the idea. Really healthy stuff. Good for digestion stuff. And its not as big of a deal as no bathroom at all, I'll give you that. But if you're staying in a yurt with no bathroom, you will still have to come up with some excuse to leave the yurt. And if you're not leaving with the person you're there with to go sit naked in a hot spring or cook a vegan feast together, then guess what other reason you have to be leaving?

A bathroom reason.

And you know you're going to be aware of how long you've been gone, and will be assuming that the other person is starting to wonder. Then when you get back you'll both try to act so normal about the fact that you were just gone for a while, which means you were pooping, that it'll be awkward. Again, easier to just not poop.

I've had so many dating-related poop-free weekends now that by the time Friday rolls around, my colon automatically starts to shut itself down, just in case.

So yes, if there's one thing I miss about the relationship I spent the last 12 years in, it was being able to comfortably use those magic words while nonchalantly heading to the bathroom, book tucked under my arm: "honey, I'll be in my office. For a while."