Oh No You Didn't!

Someone just informed me that there's only one more week until school. One. More. Week. I was like "what the hell, man?! Why you gotta bum my ride, homie? Dang!"

Sure, I knew summer was coming to an end. But come on - I know better than to say it out loud, jeez! I'm just going to admit it: I LOVED THIS SUMMER! I'm totally not ready for it to end. Allow me a moment, if you will, to get just a bit verklempt... *tear!*

Okay. I'm better now. Rather than mope, I will now reflect on what I shall henceforth dub The Best Summer Ever:

3...2...1... Swimmer!!

We started with a trip to Mexico. The kids and I had never been there before, and we had to save up all of our dolla bills an entire year to make it happen - but thank goodness we did because we had a mother freaking blast! Evie mastered swimming within about 5 seconds, and pretty much didn't leave the pool or ocean for the remainder of the week.


After that we took some recovery time and did low-impact stuff. Like eating ice cream. There's a place right down the street from us where they have crazy flavors like sweet corn, spicy pineapple, cucumber, avocado and rose petal, to name a few. We feel it is our responsibility as active members of the community to try them all.

Or just stick with vanilla

Because of the whole 'Serious Drought' thing, we didn't have many beach days this year because I thought going to the river might depress me. But boy was I wrong, woo hoooo! We took a day to chill out at Johnson's Beach, where the oldies jazz plays all day from the snack bar, the super old-school owners call out to risky kayakers from their crackly megaphone, young dudes come over and pound your rented umbrella in the perfect spot for maximum shade, and the snack prices are from another era. Burgers for 3 bucks? Yes, please.

Nothing depressing here, folks!

They thought it was okay, too

And hey, they had ice cream, too. For the win!

I'd been wanting to take the kids on the ferry for several years, so of course we did that too. Taking the ferry is super fun! Especially given the fact that since the Exploratorium moved, you can now walk there from the ferry building!! Awwwww yeah - whassup perfect day?!

So Much Wiiiiiiiiind!!!!

This is a picture of my kids squinting in the sun. In SF.

The kids' uncle Ben and his girlfriend Ani rode their bikes over to meet us, which made the kids go all crazy with joy. Evie thinks it's really hilarious when her uncle tries to pick her up for pictures, because she's heavier than she looks and he always gets all "what the hell?!"

I have no idea what's going on here.

And you already know that we went to the fair, because we're no dummies. We know that no summer is complete without a trip to the fair.

Yeeeeee haaaaaw!!!!

In between all of this, we bottled some wine with friends...

Went to Maker Camp (which landed some pictures of the kids in the Press Democrat)...

...and tried to get in a decent amount of relaxation and snuggling, too. Since it's summer and all. 

Snuggles!!!!

Let's face it, you guys. We totally rocked this summer. I wish we had more of it to enjoy - but for now, with one week left, we're going to get back to the important task of having a kick-ass time. Onward!!

Oops I Crapped My Pants

I almost made it - I came so close to making it. A week in Mexico and no stomach issues! This, despite eating from a resort buffet, a little local restaurant at which I ate fresh ceviche on top of a secret-sauce-covered tostada, a street cart which served me something fairly unidentifiable, and even a few brave encounters with Drinking The Water.

My stomach survived it all, like a champ! Until it didn't.

Later that day - notice the shorts

We were feeding the fish. I'd put on my swimsuit in anticipation of eventually swimming, but first the kids were doing every non-swimming activity they could possibly dream of, since by that point in our week we'd learned that once you get into the water, you don't get out until sundown. So, they were feeding the fish while Paulie and I stood behind them, watching the joy on their faces every time a koi took their bait. It was a lovely, meandering, relaxing way to spend our final day of vacation.

Then, I farted.


This isn't a big deal because at this particular moment, it happened to be beneficially breezy. More importantly, I knew it was going to be a quiet one and therefore no one would ever know.

Quiet or not, however, this one felt...different. I pushed the thought aside while I woo-hooed the kids, trying very calmly to determine if I'd just shit my pants.

The kids were ready to move on, and the activity of walking the six feet over to the next pond made me very hot. That must be sweat dripping down my leg, I thought. At the third pond, I subtly reached my hand into the back of my pants, touched my wet butt area, pulled my fingers out and sniffed them. It was super subtle, I swear. Not like when you suspect your toddler has pooped and you grab them by the back of the pants, peer into their diaper and, not seeing anything, reach your hand inside just to make sure.

You have to admit, though - either scenario is a dangerous gamble.

Thank god I was wearing pants that day - I'd gotten my standard horrifically ugly sun rash on day 2 of vacation (like the one shown, from last summer, only about 12,000 times worse), so I'd decided that morning that my legs needed a break. Every day prior to that moment I'd been wearing shorts, a decision which would not have boded well on this occasion because, yeah, I'd sharted.

I casually announced I had to use the bathroom - when it comes to hiding the fact that I've just pooped myself, I am a master at discretion, as you can see. I 'cleaned myself up' as well as one can in the narrow stall of a five-star resort ladies room when dealing with the unfortunate result of the prior day's decision to binge on sauteed mystery greens and chorizo. While doing a Kmart clean on myself, the following conversation with myself went through my head:

Me - I'll just go into the pool to rinse the rest of this off

Me - Gross! That might make people sick. The ocean is better.

Me - What the fuck?! I'll just go back to the room and change! What is wrong with me?!

Me - But my whole outfit is based on this swimsuit!

Me - Ohmygod it's not about the outfit it's about the fact that there's green diarrhea in your pants!

Me - But I only have one pair of chonies left and this swimsuit was supposed to get me through the day!

Me - OHMYGOD ECOLI!!!

Me - Okay Okaaaaaaay, jeeez!

Don't worry - I did the right thing.

I told Paulie I had to re-sunblock the kids and that we'd be back in a flash. Once at the really-far-away room, I told the kids I was hot and thought I'd just take a quick shower, la de da, no big deal! They were busy arguing over candy as I then hand washed my swim bottoms and pants, and busy watching cartoons in Spanish while I layed everything out on the balcony to dry. For once their arguing and glazey-eyed TV watching was a blessing, because they didn't notice what I was doing or ask any questions.

Phew! Now no one will ever know!

I put on a different suit, lathered myself and the kids with more sunblock, and off we went for one last magical day in the tropics.

I heart Mexico.


p.s. The links found in the above story are the only reasons I was able to keep a sense of humor about this entire situation, and I've been calling them both to mind and laughing at myself ever since that fateful afternoon. You should click them.