Amanda Tries Crafts. Tears Ensue.

Last week was kind of a stressful one and I found myself needing to decompress just a wee bit. I decided that the best way to do this was to give myself a break from studying while at work, and to do some fun crafting instead!

I'd been wanting to make a fancier receptacle in which to collect the money we save throughout the year for our travels. I had a pickle jar, some old maps, and several one-dollar bills so I figured hot damn, I had myself a project!

That was a mistake.

Photo courtesy of someone who knew what they were doing

Now, a quick internet search would have directed me to actual directions on how to carry out my plan. Much like the search I literally did one second ago for the sake of proving my point, which got me to this website, where I found a picture of basically what I would have liked my jar to look like (shown left).

But I didn't do that search. Oh no, I didn't.

Instead I decided to just wing it because hey, how hard could it be to put a piece of paper on a jar and then just glop on some modpodge?! HOW HARD COULD IT BE???

Turns out it's kind of hard. Hm! Who knew?! Apparently lots and lots of people all over the world, if Pinterest is any indicator (yep, just did another quick internet search. Lots of instructions, everywhere) know how 'decoupage' works. Showoffs. No one can say I didn't try, at least...

Kinda lumpy

As you can see, I had some problems right from the start. Gaps and rolling valleys of map paper, all over the damn place! I decided that rather than panic, I should focus on one area at a time.

Kinda stupid and crappy

I tried to fix the above weird overlapping thing that I hadn't planned for at all in the only way I could think of that made any sense:

I added a weird skirt thing on top to 'hide' my mess

That didn't work.

I realized that I was about to cry and, possibly, throw the whole thing into the recycling bin, and so needed some positive reinforcement. I texted the only friend who I knew would humor me - my oldest bestie Jessica. I tried using sarcasm so it would be clear what I was looking for.

She didn't answer right away, so I got more specific about what my needs were. Aaaaaaand, when she still didn't answer me, I knew that could only mean one thing: my project was a complete disaster (which I already knew goddammit!) and she was staring at her phone somewhere, doubled over in laughter and just waiting for me to send her another example of my incompetence. 

I suppose I could have sent her this one...

Finally I heard back, and to my relief she'd gotten my message loud and clear and was generous with her fake compliments and support.

Unfortunately I'd already laughed and cried so much by that point I was ready to give up and just settle for a completely ridiculous preschool-looking vacation-saving jar. 

Mission Accomplished

The end. Finally.

Oops I Crapped My Pants

I almost made it - I came so close to making it. A week in Mexico and no stomach issues! This, despite eating from a resort buffet, a little local restaurant at which I ate fresh ceviche on top of a secret-sauce-covered tostada, a street cart which served me something fairly unidentifiable, and even a few brave encounters with Drinking The Water.

My stomach survived it all, like a champ! Until it didn't.

Later that day - notice the shorts

We were feeding the fish. I'd put on my swimsuit in anticipation of eventually swimming, but first the kids were doing every non-swimming activity they could possibly dream of, since by that point in our week we'd learned that once you get into the water, you don't get out until sundown. So, they were feeding the fish while Paulie and I stood behind them, watching the joy on their faces every time a koi took their bait. It was a lovely, meandering, relaxing way to spend our final day of vacation.

Then, I farted.


This isn't a big deal because at this particular moment, it happened to be beneficially breezy. More importantly, I knew it was going to be a quiet one and therefore no one would ever know.

Quiet or not, however, this one felt...different. I pushed the thought aside while I woo-hooed the kids, trying very calmly to determine if I'd just shit my pants.

The kids were ready to move on, and the activity of walking the six feet over to the next pond made me very hot. That must be sweat dripping down my leg, I thought. At the third pond, I subtly reached my hand into the back of my pants, touched my wet butt area, pulled my fingers out and sniffed them. It was super subtle, I swear. Not like when you suspect your toddler has pooped and you grab them by the back of the pants, peer into their diaper and, not seeing anything, reach your hand inside just to make sure.

You have to admit, though - either scenario is a dangerous gamble.

Thank god I was wearing pants that day - I'd gotten my standard horrifically ugly sun rash on day 2 of vacation (like the one shown, from last summer, only about 12,000 times worse), so I'd decided that morning that my legs needed a break. Every day prior to that moment I'd been wearing shorts, a decision which would not have boded well on this occasion because, yeah, I'd sharted.

I casually announced I had to use the bathroom - when it comes to hiding the fact that I've just pooped myself, I am a master at discretion, as you can see. I 'cleaned myself up' as well as one can in the narrow stall of a five-star resort ladies room when dealing with the unfortunate result of the prior day's decision to binge on sauteed mystery greens and chorizo. While doing a Kmart clean on myself, the following conversation with myself went through my head:

Me - I'll just go into the pool to rinse the rest of this off

Me - Gross! That might make people sick. The ocean is better.

Me - What the fuck?! I'll just go back to the room and change! What is wrong with me?!

Me - But my whole outfit is based on this swimsuit!

Me - Ohmygod it's not about the outfit it's about the fact that there's green diarrhea in your pants!

Me - But I only have one pair of chonies left and this swimsuit was supposed to get me through the day!

Me - OHMYGOD ECOLI!!!

Me - Okay Okaaaaaaay, jeeez!

Don't worry - I did the right thing.

I told Paulie I had to re-sunblock the kids and that we'd be back in a flash. Once at the really-far-away room, I told the kids I was hot and thought I'd just take a quick shower, la de da, no big deal! They were busy arguing over candy as I then hand washed my swim bottoms and pants, and busy watching cartoons in Spanish while I layed everything out on the balcony to dry. For once their arguing and glazey-eyed TV watching was a blessing, because they didn't notice what I was doing or ask any questions.

Phew! Now no one will ever know!

I put on a different suit, lathered myself and the kids with more sunblock, and off we went for one last magical day in the tropics.

I heart Mexico.


p.s. The links found in the above story are the only reasons I was able to keep a sense of humor about this entire situation, and I've been calling them both to mind and laughing at myself ever since that fateful afternoon. You should click them.