Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Noise Cancelling Sleeping Helmet

Hi there.  Good morning.  I know what you're thinking, "Good morning?  F*ck you, asshole!"  If you're like me you just googled 'noise cancelling sleeping helmet' in the hopes that there might exist some kind of device you could shove your head into so you could hide from the reality of late-night parenting and get a good night's sleep.  All that came up was some biker chat forums and this blog.  Sorry about that.

No such device exists, but you wouldn't want to use it even if it did.  You'd be lying there thinking about what you're not hearing.  You'd be worried that something could really go wrong and you'd miss it.  Or what if someone broke into the house?  You'd be oblivious!  Plus you'd be restless knowing that at some point your spouse's elbow is going to find that tender spot on your spine when it's "YOUR TURN!!".

Here's a bit of consolation:  You're not alone.  I too have been jolted awake after only an hour and a half of sleep by that muffled wail.  It starts out small, building in pitch like a siren, followed by that awful and abrupt silence when they draw in a deep breath, and then the real fireworks are unleashed.  Holy shit, no no no no no no.  "Not tonight" you're thinking, right?  Please not again tonight.  Well I'm so sorry but, yeah...again tonight.

I know opinions are like assholes but here's mine:  You're still a lucky bastard.  You have people in your life who you envy because they're either sleeping soundly right now, or out drinking with friends, and you're not. Well those friends are either childless because they're not ready yet (remember, you were there not that long ago) or they're childless for other reasons and they'd give up a limb to have what you have.  It's a difficult exercise, especially with sunrise looming just a few hours away, but try to imagine life without your kids.  What if they suddenly vanished from your life?  Unthinkable right?  Yeah, I know.

Here's something else you don't want to hear:  Advice.  Try more exercise and less booze during the week.  I know that sounds counter-intuitive and my friends know that for me to recommend drinking less is pure hypocrisy, but it's a good target to shoot for.  Even if you fall short, it helps.  Also, coffee is ubiquitous these days so take advantage and use it well.  I'd stay away from energy drinks because I blame them for landing me in the ER with atrial fibrillation a couple of years ago (you'll be googling 'synchronized cardioversion' at 2am instead, FUN!).  Good old-fashioned coffee and tea shouldn't do you wrong, but I'm no doctor so take that with a grain.

Also, blogging is pretty cathartic.

That's all I've got.  It's okay to be angry and frustrated.  It's healthy to swim in it a little bit rather than suppress it.  What do the Buddhists say?  Turning your mind's eye toward it and facing it helps to diminish it, or something?  Yeah, do that.  You're going to be all right.


  1. Now take this exact column and insert 8 week old puppy/crate training/potty training where appropriate and you have the pet equivalent of this. I am with you in a different way my friend.

  2. Actually, they DO exist, and they're called Ostrich Pillows. (Ok they're not active nose cancelling, but you'll see what I mean.