Why are we Facebook Friends?

In no particular order:

Girl I met once when I was out with other friends...some of whom are, apparently, our mutual Facebook friends. So you friended me the next day, and I thought I'd be an asshole if I ignored it because it was too early in my Facebook etiquette knowledge to know it was okay to just 'ignore' people's requests but then continue to be perfectly friendly in person, and they won't even mention it because then they'd seem like creepy stalkers.

Customer at my store who, again, caught me before I knew you could just brush people off. Now it's awkward. You see the cyber-me swear and talk about my real-time life, but we just have our very 'have a nice day' customer/store owner relationship the rest of the time. It's weird. But I can't unfriend you now, because then you might be offended, and we don't want that.

Old classmate from school who I don't remember, despite the fact that our class had a mere 55 people in it, and most of us went to school together from Kindergarten until the day we graduated. I had to ask my best friend from that time who you are, and she told me that we used to hang out in the halls and have a good old time, but really, I have no idea. So I accepted your request because I felt like a jerk for not remembering.

Mom. I had a whole rant to go along with this, but I think 'Mom' is enough all on it's own. 

And on that note...

Most of my Family, or anyone who has a very, very different lifestyle than me and therefore just blocks me anyway. If you need to block me - because we all know I'm not going to censor myself on my own damn page just to cater to your moral code - then why are we Facebook friends? Especially if we literally never interact, at all, on Facebook - or pretty much in life, save the occasional bi-annual phone call or text, or a funeral now or then - do we really need to be FB friends?

Also, why am I friends with anyone who is deceased? I know this is super taboo and inconsiderate to say because we're supposed to hold on to the memory of people forever, and believe me, I'm fine with that. But as their Facebook friend, I don't exactly know what the fuck is going on there. I've unfriended dead people and I stress over it for days afterward - the guilt! But I don't really get it. When I look at old friend requests I see my grandma in there and I feel bad for not accepting it...but...she passed away two years ago (RIP Grandma, love you!), so...yeah, I'm not going to accept her request.

And pets. People - please. Enough with the pets. We all love our pets, they're cute! They do silly things! But pretending to be them on a Facebook page that you manage only shows that you have too much time on your hands and makes me feel annoyed and sad. I don't know why. Maybe I need a pet, and therefore a Facebook page for that pet which I have to update with kooky pictures, and then I'll understand?

But then there's my Facebook friend, These Chickens. Yes, that's right - fucking chickens! I am friends with chickens on Facebook. That's worse than being friends with someone's freaking baby on Facebook. The worst part about the chickens is that they never update their profile or offer funny status updates! Come on, chickens. Get with the program.

But anyway, I digress:

Guy that I went on one sort-of date with and we both knew right away that nothing was there, but we made the mistake of Friending each other before that. Which one of us is going to be the jerk here? We got along well enough and occasionally 'like' each other's shared links, but do we really need to keep up this charade? We don't. Let's not.

Ex girlfriends/fiancees of any of my brothers. You guys aren't together anymore. We will probably NEVER see each other again. Do you care that my tree got cut down? Do I care about who you're kissing now? I'm thinking... no.

Friends and family of my ex.  Some of you I genuinely like but, again, we never interact. You don't comment on my stuff, I don't comment on yours. Nary a 'like'  passes between our posts. Hey - it's cool: we all know the only reason we're still Facebook friends is because we all want the other to know that there's no judgement or hard feelings - no one wants to be the one to 'unfriend' the other. It's okay! Enough time has passed that we don't have to play this game anymore.

Anyone who I would not recognize or know the name of if we met out on the street. How did we become Facebook friends? Who are you? Have we even met? Was I drunk when I accepted that request? *Gasp!* Did I send that request? Shit.

Listen. If you wake up soon and find that we aren't FB friends anymore, don't be offended. It's not you, it's me. Let's just be...well, not friends, I guess. If we run into each other on the street, let's try having a conversation, in person, which we never did online. It'll be a fun experiment!

I'll even give you a thumbs-up.