I Swear I'm Not a Stalker (and Your Milk is Expired)

Poor Paulie.

He decided he needed to fly off to Mexico to find himself or something. Whatever. This wouldn't have been that big of a deal if he hadn't left just as my oldest friend Jessica was arriving into town for a quick visit. She was pissed at the timing, I was pissed that I had to play tour guide in San Francisco which is usually HIS job...so Jessica and I had a little fun on his behalf.

Before going off to make out with his new girlfriend Mexico, Paulie gave me the whole "if I get killed by Mexican drug lords" information schpeel and told me how to get the spare key to his house. I didn't really listen because, duh, I still haven't given back the key he gave me a year ago! Ha, sucker!

The day after Jessica's arrival, we decided to take our food scraps to Paul's place for his chickens. It's one thing to break up with a guy, it's another to break up with his chickens. Come on, I'm not a monster!

While there, we went inside to snag some eggs, where I immediately began obsessing over what was new since I'd last been there (less than a week before). Things like a tiny box sitting on a ledge, the smell of garbage that should go out (but I refused to do it because he's not my boyfriend anymore so he has to do it himself!), and a new duvet cover. A NEW DUVET COVER. I was all "oh hellllll no." It was one of those 'I've been telling him he needs a new duvet cover for a year and now the second I'm gone he gets one?! What the fuck is this Out With The Old (girlfriend) In With The New (duvet cover) bullshit?!' moments.

As things tend to happen with Jessica and I, we decided we needed to send a firm message to Paulie that he can get rid of the bedspread, but he can NEVER get rid of me. Heh heh. So we sent him some pictures.

I am in your house. I am in your bed.
Smoking.

For the record, I don't smoke. But Jessica does, and we agreed that I couldn't just send him a plain old picture of me in his bed snuggled up with his new duvet cover, I needed a prop! I think it works.

Paulie lives right across the street from a bakery, and he's got a little hookup there. Since I wanted to impress my friend and was also out of bread, we walked over and I said "watch what I'm about to do." She said "wait, what? What? What's happening?" and I put up my hand and said "just watch."

Thanks for the FREE bread, Paulie!

After those fun shenanigans, I took her to Railroad Square and we toodled around a bit. Here is a sample conversation: 

Me: Oh, this is where Paulie and I had our first date.

Jessica: Who?

Me: Paulie. My ex-boyfriend.

Jessica: I...don't know Paulie. Who? Hm. I never met anyone named 'Paulie'

Jessica wanted to go into Disguise the Limit to look at their fun doo-dads. While inside, we found some costumes. And, the rest is history. 

Me: Oh my god, we should take a picture of me in this sexy nurse's uniform

Jessica: Haha! Yes! Or this French Maid!

Me: Oh jeez. No, it has to be this sexy Army girl outfit. Paulie...my ex-boyfriend--

Jessica: --who? Who's 'Paulie'? What?

Me: Oh yeah, I don't know if I ever mentioned Paulie before? We um, dated for like a year and a half.

Jessica: Yeah, no, that doesn't ring a bell. Hm, I never met a Paulie, I don't know him....

Me: Yeah, well, he's in Mexico right now, so....

Jessica: Hm, yeah....

Me: Anyway, he has this thing for Army girl stuff, because he once saw a very awkward Debbie Harry performing on Solid Gold in some Army getup or something...

We took the picture. We had to hurry because Jessica was worried that the store employees thought we were shoplifting. In viewing the photo, I can admit with full confidence that Debbie Harry is much hotter than me. In fact I look a little bit crazy. But hey! It was a photo shoot - who cares?!

Eat your heart out, Debbie!

I'm pretty sure getting these pictures via text from Jessica will be the highlight of Paulie's entire vacation. I mean, come on, Mexico's got nothin' on me! 

(He eventually texted Jessica back about our pictures...)

Good thing he has a sense of humor