I'm not! Sure I've had my moments but they've been pretty "Disney." Okay a hint of "Peter Berlin" here and there but it doesn't mean that I should start checking off a different box on the survey....right? Okay maybe I'd fill in the "Other" line but that's beside the point. The point is I've started thinking about my son's future sexual orientation and I can't help but want him to be gay.
This came up the other day when someone asked me "Hey, what would you do if your son was gay?" and all I thought was "not invite you to the party". I've heard the question before and it's intended to elicit one of two responses. If you're a hate-monger (or from southern California) your answer is something like "I'd get them the help they need to get through it" or "I'd teach them there are ways to overcome it," in other words "I'd un-gay them." If you're an open-minded and accepting person your answer is "I wouldn't 'wish' that upon my child, but I wouldn't love them any less or anything." If you're ME the answer is "Gay? That would be AWESOME! I do wish that upon them."
This may stem simply from the fact that I love me some gays, but I think there's more to it than that. I think this has at least a little to do with my fear that Liam will be the world's coolest child which, as we all know is a bad thing. I mean he's handsome and popular as all get out so, even though he'll be the "cool" gay kid, at least the challenges he'll face growing up gay will give him that "misfit edge". The other part of this I think is rooted in something far more selfish. I think I want to have a gay son for the same reason people post Facebook photos of themselves with their oneblack friend......."street cred." I've have gay friends and even the little yellow equal sign on my bumper but what better way to assuage my privileged white heterosexual guilt than to be personally invested in 'the fight'? So Liam, love who you will, but if you're straight at least think about keeping it in the closet for your dear old Dad, okay pal?
**Jake Gyllenhaal or Jake Ryan, if you're reading this, disregard the title