Friday, January 13, 2012

I'm Not Bitter

I have a number of friends who are writers, artists, musicians, etc.  Not just your run-of-the-mill bloggers and weekend jam session dorks but actual professional artists who live off of the money they make doing art stuff.  To all of you people out there lucky enough to "do what you love" for a living I say...go fuck yourselves.  This informative bit goes out to all of you clueless hipster douche-bags.  I hate you.

What It's Like to Have Kids and a Job
by Mike Bairdsmith

Having kids and a job is time-consuming.

Time is finite.

In fact in any given day there are only 24 hours of time to work with and this is how WE break it down:

5 hours:  Laying still in bed.  Most of this time should be used for sleeping but it can also be used for stressing about money or listening to the baby monitor and thinking about SIDS.  Now I know it's kind of brutal to start with this and I'm sure you're thinking "5 hours for sleeping?!  No, you mean 10 hours, right?  5 hours is for getting ready to go out.  You're confused."  No.  It sounds bad but once you get used to it it's really not such a big deal.  Remember when you were a kid and at your friend's sleepover you puked because you drank 4 beers in 3 hours but now you chase scrambled eggs and Vicodin with 8 bloody marys for breakfast?  It's like that.  The human body is capable of miraculous adaptation.

8 hours:  Working every weekday.  What we do at our jobs isn't relevant.  Just know that we have scheduled hours, like 8am to 5pm, and we have to show up a little early and leave a little late.  While we are at work we are watched the entire time by someone we hate who's sole purpose is just to make sure we keep working.  Now I know you're thinking "a-HA wait, 8 to 5 is 9 hours not 8!"  That extra hour is for lunch and it doesn't count as work.  Bear with me.

8 hours:  Taking care of the family.  You're not going to buy this, I know.  Regardless, the fact is parenting is a full-time job.  Carolyn Hax of the Washington Post wrote the best column I've ever read on this so I'll let her convince you HERE

2 hours:  Personal hygiene and getting to and from work.

That leaves 1 HOUR a day to do ANYTHING WE WANT!!  This usually involves alcohol and/or sex.  Now I know what you're thinking "hang on, what about the weekend?!?"  You'd think it would be a different story entirely but really the only difference on weekends is the person watching us to make sure we keep working is someone we love rather than someone we hate.


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