Wednesday, January 18, 2012

A Long Day's Journey into Slightly Later On that Day

As the man of the house I'm sometimes called upon to suffer physically for the benefit of my family.  Last night after hanging around my PACKED gym (fucking January) for 20 whole minutes I decided to go home.  After 12 straight years of excelling at public school physical education I figured I probably didn't need a gym.  I really wanted to be home with my family instead and besides I figured I could totally do 100 push-ups there.  I dashed home confident that I would find my family pining for my love and affection as eagerly as I was theirs.  Instead I came home to a screaming 3 month old, a 2 year old wearing rain boots on the wrong feet and filling the salad spinner with batteries (first time it's been used), and a very annoyed wife.  In addition to the more obvious causes of her frustration was the fact that someone had forgotten to write "Parmesan cheese" on the board after using the last of it the night before, so we were out.

Luckily the man of the house was there to be way manly.  I gathered up baby banshee and the Energizer bunny and made for the nearest purveyor of fine cheeses.  While I was there I learned that Liam can traverse the length of 3 aisles in the time it takes one strange lady to dote on Finn.  I also learned that Liam thinks being lost in a grocery store is hilarious and that the Big John's Market's shopping carts can't corner for shit.

It was a quick trip.  Too quick in fact.  I'd barely given Erin enough time to use the toilet let alone decompress which meant that it was time for me and the Bairdsmith Bros. to take a mini road trip.  I reasoned that the boys would love a late night drive around the precarious and winding roads of Fitch Mountain so we headed east.  About a quarter of the way around Finn decided he did not like the precarious and winding roads of Fitch Mountain and started wailing.  Liam too began to protest.  I'd given him the cheese to hold as his reward for being terrible in the grocery store and he had dropped it on a hairpin turn.  I considered turning back but thoughts of my lovely frazzled wife gave me the strength to push on.

I think we made it 95% of the way around the mountain before we hit the "Road Closed" sign.  Not a "Road closed a few miles ahead so you'll want to turn around now to avoid frustration" sign but a "road closed right here, six inches behind this sign where, as you can plainly see, the entire side of this mountain has been scraped away" sign.  Deflated I turned around and headed the long way home.

I'm tall and enjoy driving in small cars because as a child I wanted to be an under-cover cop from the 70's when I grew up and those guys always drove big cars which meant that when they had to put that siren thingy on top of the car by reaching out the window with it and sticking it on the roof during a chase, they would never get it near the middle of the roof so it looked all wonky and stupid.  I can totally reach everywhere in my car and have practiced reaching the middle of the roof with a snow globe so that I can do it while distracted.  That, plus the fact that I had already familiarized myself with this particular stretch of road gave me the confidence to try and take action and quell the tantrums taking place in the back seat without pulling over.  I reached back and located the cheese no problem since it was "Reggiano" and had a very distinct bumpy feel to it.  The pacifier Finn had spat out was a bit trickier but owing to my extensive training in emergency medicine I was able to locate the pacifier and place it in the most effective orifice, all by touch.  Unfortunately doing this while trying to negotiate the precarious and winding roads of Fitch Mountain, and downshifting, and cursing loudly, was more than I could handle and I drove off a cliff.

Just kidding.  I did totally tweak my back though.  Really bad and all up-high where it's hard to hold while you moan about it.  When I got home I'd planned to moan about it to my wife but she looked all relieved and happy to have had a little time to herself so I didn't.  Instead I just made a mental note to blog about it later so I'd get credit.  I think 40 minutes alone is the new bouquet of flowers.  FTD should think about putting a bank of child seats in their delivery vans.  They'd make a killing.


  1. Hey asshole! I got you that salad spinner for your wedding! It was ON YOUR REGISTRY!! Gah.

  2. Our batteries have never been more crisp. You are a generous and selfless friend. The way you put the needs of others before your own is inspiring. Were I ever granted the opportunity share with the world the true meaning of generosity, you would be my muse.