I Should Have Married Stupid

Erin:  Hi!

Me:  Shhhhhhh.  I just got the boys to go down.

Erin:  Oh sorry.  Both of them?  Nice.

Me:  I know.  It wasn't easy.

Erin:  What is that?

Me:  Hmm, what?

Erin:  THAT!

Me:  This?  Oh....it's nothing.

Erin:  Is that booze?

Me:  Yes.  I was drinking.  I'm drunk.

Erin:  What's with the decanter.......and the rag?

Me:  It's actually a kind of vapo-rub type thing.

Erin:  Really?

Me:  Totally.  Finn had a cough.  I got it at the apothecary.

Erin:  Mike.

Me:  I love you.

Erin:  What is it really?

Me:  It's nothing.  Are you hungry?  I'm hungry.

Erin:  Let me see it

Me:  GOOD GOD DON'T SMELL IT!!!!

Erin:  What the fuck!?

Me:  Nothing.  It's just kinda stinky.  How about a sandwich?

That was the exact exchange between Erin and I that didn't happen.  I'm a really shitty actor apparently.  Instead she just looked at me holding the rag and bottle that I'd swiped from work just for the purpose of this shtick, ignored my caught-red-handed-making-the-boys-nap-by-using-chloroform performance/pantomime, and just said, "Nice bottle.  Can you get the rest of the groceries?".  If we ever divorce the reason I'll cite will be that she never plays along and is a big jerk.