Last night I was going through my old yearbooks, looking for pictures of myself. No, this is not because I'm incredibly narcissistic and love to look at myself during my most awkward years - that's just downright painful. It's because I've been asked to perform with some of the national Mortified crew (and some real-live celebrities like Retta from Parks and Recreation!) on Friday night at the San Francisco Sketchfest, and I needed some pictures for my performance.
(Please allow me to take a moment to let that sink in: I have been invited to perform at a Comedy Festival in San Francisco. That is all)
While I didn't find any workable pictures, I did come across something I'd never noticed before. Or perhaps I'd just ignored it and moved on, then forgot about it, which is what I tend to do if someone writes something about me that I don't like. Anyhoo! Back in 1990, a girl - we'll call her 'Helen' - went all cray cray in my yearbook. Here's what she wrote:
Amanda, Hey chic how are you? So I see you and Kelli have become really good friends! (page 3)...
So you can just have her I feel so used. I mean I was there when she needed someone to show her around school and everything (page 10)... (I thought it was nice of her to direct me to her next rant)
...and now she has you so what use am I to her? She don't need me anymore! Amanda I'm so jelous of you! You stole my Best friend from me and there's nothing I can do! please don't take her from me. I need her! I mean now she spends all her time with you instead of me! well I better go before I start crying! - Helen
But wait...it continues, spilling over from page 10 to page 11:
Amanda this is not a joke this is serious I need Kelli back you have lots of friends why do you have to take Kelli? I need her for a Best Friend again! and even when we are together all she talks about is you!
Sure, I know exactly who this girl was/is, and I know exactly what she was talking about. But I didn't steal anybody, jeez! Kelli lived down the street from me and, when you live in the country, this pretty much makes someone your friend by default because it takes less than an hour to walk to their house. And Helen's claim that I had 'lots of friends' was completely false. I had about two and a half friends, and that's only because Frank hadn't dropped out yet. But it was nice looking back and realizing that someone thought I was popular!
Since I was still scouring the yearbook for pictures, I discovered that Helen had taken the liberty to write things like "Doug your sexy, Helen wrote that" and "so cute!" "very cute and handsome!" "very sweet!" all followed with "Helen wrote that!" and accompanied by an arrow pointing toward various boys throughout the pages.
Homegirl defaced my 7th grade yearbook! Dude, that is not cool. Ima find her old yearbook and write all sorts of crazy shit in it, all over the pages! See how she likes it!
Okay. That actually sounds really boring.
I guess I'll just move on.