The Brother Series: Introduction

Lately I've been thinking about my brothers more than usual. I have four older brothers and two younger brothers; the oldest two were adopted, the middle two are twins, and the latter two were the result of my dad's remarriage. These two didn't grow up in the same house that I did. Maybe that's why I like them so much.

Dan, David, Jarrod, Jason...and Me. In Misery, All.

All of these guys are so incredibly unique - but none of us are so different in personality from each other than I am, from all of them. Maybe it's because I have different junk than they do. Maybe it's just because I was born weird and black-sheepish and we were destined to never understand each other. Despite our extreme differences and their bitterness and anger toward me for moving across the country and never coming back, I love them and owe them for turning me into...well, me.

Over the next several weeks, I'll be sharing stories about my brothers with you. It's A Series! Don't worry, I'll space it out so it doesn't get too boring. But yeah, maybe I'm using you, dear reader, to hash out and then fill in the sketches of these guys that I've never taken the time to flesh out. Plus, as this is part of the 40 Days of Writing challenge, I need some easy material to keep my writing brain firing.

Chris and Ben

Overall, the best part about being raised with boys is being able to say that I was raised with boys. People are impressed. I had no control over this but I absolutely take props for it. These are my first and forever homies, and if you fuck with me - you fuck with them.

Okay, actually, they won't do anything if you fuck with me. They're pretty indifferent. Ben might steal your wine or screw your girlfriend, but other than that, I'm kind of on my own.

Good thing they made me tough.

Daycare

My mother-in-law landed herself in the hospital last night which was kind of scary.  This morning the hospital called my cell and I answered all "oh crap! I mean...hello?" but it wasn't bad news concerning her and her condition, it was for me.  It was the hospital's lab letting me know that the 'sample' I had dropped off on Monday, in front of room full of moms with sick kids (so embarrassing), had come back POSITIVE!!  As in "positive for those little swimmers that in any normal man would have been eradicated by modern medicine, particularly over TWO MONTHS after the procedure!!", but not in my case.  Consequently I have to go back in for another cup and a high-five.  But back to Grandma, she's okay.  Her issue is with a part of her body she wasn't really using much anyway...her gall bladder (another high-five for skipping the joke there).  The good news is she's just fine but the bad news is she watches our boys two days a week and we have no back-up daycare. DURP?!!.

So I took a 'personal day' to watch the kids and find someone to take care of them should situations like this arise in the future.  Someone worthy of their company.  This sounds easy enough but it is not.  In the Healdsburg area there's an ever expanding baby army in need of regular daycare so the competition to find a spot for our boys is tough.  I got some good leads though including one today that took me to an enormous and beautiful home in the Windsor countryside.  I took Liam and Finn with me of course to go check the place out but I think that might have been a mistake.  Liam walked up the the front door, knocked, was welcomed in, and never ever wanted to go home again.  This house was immaculate, luxurious, and had a playroom that made me feel very guilty for being such a shitty dad.  Liam was in heaven.  The woman running the thing is able to take the boys at short notice (and only for 85% of my daily wage! Yay!) which means that tomorrow Liam and Finn get to spend a full nine hours in paradise.  I'm glad I don't have to pick them up.

Our house is lame and my mission this weekend is to fix it.  Since Finn joined the family, Liam has been in his own room.  I think it's time he moved back to the nursery so that I can transform his current room into a play land for the boys that will SHAME the Windsor Castle.  So far, all of my ideas require about $50K and a stud finder, neither of which I have access to, so I'm open to any creative ideas from YOU dear reader on how to build the dream playroom.  Seriously, if you can help me out at all please leave a comment below.  You'll be saving a child from a boring-as-hell home life while at the same time giving him somewhere fun to play which will alleviate the burden on my mother-in-law and her failing organs.  Thanks!

Apocalypse Wii

I don't want to go on a rant about some parents and their "who shit in my pants?!" philosophy of child rearing, but the next one to complain that they "can't do anything" about their type II diabetic kid that plays World of Warcraft 16 hours a day is gonna get a big fat earful of uncomfortable silence from me.  Oh yeah.  I don't pull punches.

That being said, I generally LOVE modern technology and the stuff that's out there for kids.  Sure they're supposed to run around outside, ride bikes, throw balls, climb trees, I KNOW!  I did all those things as a kid and my kids will too.  But on those rainy Sundays I'm glad that they can throw bananas and turtle shells at go-karts with a kid in China instead of being stuck in a basement playing Dungeons & Dragons.

Growing up I had a friend with an Atari 2600 who was allowed one hour of scheduled video game time daily with friends.  Obviously by today's standards it was a sad little device but back then it was amazing.  Now there are SO many cool things these days for kids!  Clearly there are a lot of smart people out there who care about children and want them to have fun. 

Alien - 1982

Alien - 2012

But there are some things the smart people are doing today that make me want to slap them in their stupid smart faces.  The cool technology for the kids is great but some of the "future" technology they're developing for my kids is fucked.  For example I read in the news that Nevada has given the go ahead to allow self-driving cars on the road.  Brilliant.  Really?  What happens when they don't work the way they're supposed to?  I had an 89' Honda Civic that I used to drive during college and the wheel fell off.  Not the just the rubber tire, the whole fucking thing. KERCHUNK!!!  I was just pulling into a gas-station "hey, I think I'll get some gas...oh, I guess I won't."  How did this happen?  Simple, it happened because I'm a MORON with cars.  But the problem is there are millions of morons-with-cars driving around out there.  Is someone going to go "oops, I left the car's windows open when it rained last night and now when I hit 70 mph it makes a hard left.  My bad."  Also, in the news, scientist are fucking around with bird flu.  Yeah, the flu.  How many zombie movies came out last year?  Only a hundred?  Do these guys not have Netflix?  Maybe fiction isn't their thing.  Okay, well why not go out a pick up this little gem of non-fiction, The Great Influenza: The Story of the Deadliest Pandemic in History.  Killed more people in 24 months than AIDS killed in 24 years?  Well, YA-HOO!!!

I believe the children are our future (too soon?)  Sure, get them outside running, jumping, climbing trees, but let them play their cool shoot em' up games too...in moderation.  They're going to need both the cardio and the weapon handling skills what with all the zombies in robot cars.

The Elephant in the Room

Yesterday was Valentine's Day, which means today everyone is nursing their 'Sweet Love Hangover' and aching from their under-served naughty parts.  I too had a magical evening at home caring for my two sick boys while Erin went out with her mother, leaving me this morning with the smug satisfaction of having had a good night's sleep coupled with the bitter resentment of having missed out on 'the party'.  That stupid Hallmark Holiday got me thinking about love and it's many forms.  Eventually this got me thinking about the one BIG QUESTION everyone's been asking, "What's up with the obvious sexual tension between Mike and Amanda?" (no one is asking that)  I figured it's about time I addressed this issue.  Yes, I love Amanda.  Very dearly.  If she died I'd be super-bummed, and not just because I'd have to rename the blog.  She is a wonderful friend, a great mom, and a fantastic drunk.  However, we have not been, nor will we ever be, more than just platonic pals.*

*Obviously this excludes any consensual group-sex scenario

What makes me so certain our relationship will likely earn a 'G' rating for all eternity?  Well there are a few key contributors to my certainty.  One is that I'm married and Amanda is not a home-wrecker.  Another is that I've gotten this far in life without 'the herp' and I'd like to keep it that way.  But the main reason is that we talk frankly about how we feel toward one another so there are no mixed messages or surprises.  Why just yesterday, on Valentine's Day, we were discussing that very thing:

So it's not as innocent as "brother/sister" love but it's pretty close.  Call it "frumpy first-cousins" love.  As you can see Amanda's dried-beef heart belongs to someone else these days and mine has been devoted, for many years, to a sexy, brilliant wife who's crazy about me, particularly when I write nice things about her on this blog.

Besides if we went there it would mean disaster for our fan(s?).  In the history of entertainment the collapse of sexual tension leads to certain ruination.  Remember how great 'Moonlighting' was before David and Maddie hooked up?  I know, it's painful for me to go there too, but those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it.  What about Sam and Diane, Jim and Pam, Ross and Rachel, and don't get me started on Mulder and Scully.  Just don't.  We're doing you a favor by not....doing favors to each other.  You're welcome & we love you.

Thank You Anonymous Savior!

Boy oh boy is Healdsburg just the greatest place in the world or what?!  There are selfless soul-saving citizens just milling about on any given day.  Earlier this week I was getting coffee and found this on my windshield in the parking lot...

I had NO IDEA about ANY of the stuff contained in this little pamphlet.  What a treasure!!  Did you know AIDS is caused by depravity?  I thought it was a virus, how embarrassing!  It's a good thing this citizen is on the job.  I got this gem early on a Monday morning and I'm not surprised.  This guy must be out and about 24/7 what with all the work he has to do just in Sonoma County alone.  I know dozens of people around here living the "homosexual deathstyle" (His words! Selfless and clever with the word play.  He's like some kind of angel)

I really wish I'd had the chance to meet the guy.  I scanned the parking lot looking for someone who was daydreaming of the day when God personally greats him in heaven with a "Hey, you!  You in the back.  Come on up here pal.  Why don't you follow me down to the lake of fire and brimstone.  We've got some people there that could use a good 'I told ya so'."  I'd have thanked him of course, but I also have some questions.  Like what about Jake Gyllenhaal?  Is there a 'free pass' scenario?

I mean come ON!

Super Bowl Sunday!

What a great holiday!  Sure I'm rallying around an event that has absolutely no relevance to me whatsoever, but how is that different from Christmas?  For our household it's all about the food.  Well, that's not entirely true, there's also the booze but not until AFTER NOON (that's just good parenting).  We started off this morning with Huevos Rancheros and chocolate chip cookies.  All dietary concerns are out the window today.  The cookies were Erin's idea and had Liam running around the kitchen going nutburgers with delight.  After eating only the bacon out of his breakfast we gave him his one cookie which he savored with the kind of glazed look on his face that you might see in an opium den.  After he was finished he looked at me with a dark brown smile and outstretched chocolate hands and said, "Daddy! Hug!!"  I usually melt in the face of such cute affection but today I wasn't really planning on showering so I told him, "how about a little later pal?"

"Hug!"

"Can I get a towel or something first?"

"HUGGA!!"

The extra syllable meant business and Erin reasoned that I was wearing a brown t-shirt so I went for it.  With two hand prints on my back and a smear from my eye to my ear I told him "I love you pal".  Usually my "I love you"s are met with a look that says "oh that's nice, wanna read me a book or something?", but this time I heard Liam say something I've never heard him say before.  He gave me a very sweet "I yove you".  Sure it was no doubt cookie-induced but I welled up anyway.

Now we're on stage two.  I'm having a beer, all the ingredients for guacamole are prepped, and the 'Texas-style' beef chili with ancho, mole, and cumin is simmering.  I even made up the bed in the guest room since I'll probably be extradited tonight.  I can't wait to see how the game goes!  Is Madge gonna stick with the classics or try and pawn off some new shit that nobody knows the words to?  My money is on the latter.

Pinky Promise

I was just driving in the car with my daughter Evie, talking about...something. It's safe to say that I have a lot on my mind these days, and that I don't always catch everything she says. She talks - a lot - and so from time to time I space out and begin a completely different dialogue with a completely other person, in my head.

Today I zoned out for a few minutes. I can always tell when it's time to come back, because I hear the Question Tone come into her voice. She was asking me to promise.

"I promise sweetie."
"Pinky Promise?"
"Pinky Promise."
"Forever and Ever?"
"Yes of course!"
"Do we have a deal?"
"We do."
"Say Deal."
"Deal!"
(joyous giggling)
"Okay, fank you mommy!" And then an excited squeal "I can't wait!!"

Uh oh. I am so fucked. What was she asking for? Hopefully it was something easy like some new headbands or a fifth of Jack Daniels as opposed to, say, a baby brother. Oh my god. What if she asked for a baby brother again? How am I going to pull that off?! I mean, I just PINKY PROMISED this girl I would deliver on...whatever it was she was going on and on about just moments earlier.

I don't feel too bad about checking out when she talks. During a visit a few years ago, my childless friend Nayt spent some time listening to a young Jonah talk for an hour about whatever his current obsession was. Afterward, Nayt told me that as a kid, he hated it when adults would give him the "uh huh...uh huh...hmmm! Wow, uh huh" schpeel when he was talking about something that excited him. He could tell they were just humoring him, and it pissed him off. Now however, he could completely see why it happened - one simply could not hang in there in a mostly one-sided conversation about the things kids are passionate about and adults could pretty much care less about for more than three minutes, tops.

I spent some time trying to piece together the amount of damage I was about to get myself in to. I only recently got my pre-kids body back, and the idea of growing a human inside me again makes me vomit in my mouth a little bit.  Plus, I don't think my man would be all that into the idea. I can just see that conversation now...between him and Evie.

"Mama promised me a baby brother!"
"Oh did she?"
"Yes! I'm so EXCITED!"
"Well. I don't know. Wouldn't you rather have a new doll or something?"
"No! I get a baby brother!"
"I don't know kiddo. That's kind of a big deal, don't you think?"
"She pinky promised me!"
"Oh. Well, shit."

I hope I kept my old fat pants, just in case.