Sunday, March 18, 2012

The Viral Golden Egg Post

I've been watching the numbers on our blog lately, and something has become sadly apparent to me: Mike whores out his posts. He's like a name-dropping word pimp, and when he's feeling like no one is paying attention to him, he buys himself a new blingy medallion by talking about his famous friends. And then his posts go apeshit! Hundreds of people read them -  HUNDREDS! That's many people used to read our blog when we first started it...compared to the couple of dozen now. So you know what? I'm not above admitting jealousy, or snaking ideas from those obviously smarter and more skilled than me.

Mike: Aw dang! I want that one on the left!
I'd better write about Scott Keneally, fast!
I started thinking about who I could use to achieve my own fame. The obvious choices would of course be Scott Keneally or Tod Brilliant, because everything they touch turns to gold.

Unfortunately, Scott doesn't know who I am, despite the fact that we've met and have had face-to-face interactions no less than four times, each of which starts with a re-introduction and reminder of who I am and how he knows me. Well, one time he caught me off-guard by giving me a nice hug. He was all "hey!!" and seemed genuinely pleased to see me - until he realized I wasn't the person he thought I was, and then he was all "oh. nevermind." So, he's not really an option.

Tod is actually a pretty cool guy - he humored me last year by letting me be part of one of his photo shoots, and he seems to know who I am when we bump into each other in public. I still make sure if I'm sending him an email or text to say who I am and how he knows me, just in case he's like "who the fuck?" when he reads it. "Hey Tod, is there any way I could get a pic from that photo shoot for my blog? Thanks - Amanda (Sprout)" But I don't know him quite well enough to use him to try to sell my blog to people.

The other night I ran into Steve Pile while Paulie and I were talking to John Courage at the KWTF event at the Arlene Francis Center. I'd been invited there by my friend, the totally famous, brilliant and beautiful writer Dani Burlison. I introduced Steve to Paulie, then hesitated and said " you know who I am?" He laughed and said, "yeah, of course, Taco Truck!" Hey, if Steve Pile claims to know me and thinks my name is Taco Truck, I'm cool with that. But I still can't really use him to gain readers, I don't know him well enough, either! (Side Note: he's building a music school in Africa, you should check out how to help).

I've gotten some halfway decent results when I've posted about my adventures with Scott Loveland, because that guy turns any boring Tuesday night into a Holy Mother of God What Just Happened night. And while he is legitimately an actual friend (the kind that calls at odd hours of the night, leaves long rambling messages, then doesn't remember doing so the next day), and I know him well enough to name drop, he's not all that famous. Except among the ladies, but that's not always a good thing....

My very good friend Chris Bryers is kind of famous...I'm friends with Brent and Amy from The Imaginists. My sweet friend Josie Gay seems to know everyone in the world, maybe I should use her?

I'm reaching here, but maybe Henry Nagle might let me use his name? I know the current Mr. Healdsburg, Chris Herrod...?

Fuck it. I guess I'll just have to come up with some other genius plan to get hundreds of people to read my posts. Like maybe start writing better. I could get involved in politics, I hear there's some stuff going on in that arena. I know kittens are super popular right now, and the last time I threatened to write about them, I think I remember someone really wanting me to do so. I just don't like cats all that much.


God I hope Scott Keneally says he likes this. 


  1. Damned funny. Me thinks you underrate yourself. Then again, that could be a ploy to get attention. Hmm...

  2. I'm married to Scott Keneally and I hereby like this for both of us. That happens to me all the time, the people reintroducing themselves to me, so I was oddly excited to hear I'm not the only one! Fortunately, Scott seems to know who I am.

    Keep it up!

  3. i like it and im really famous... jacqueline smith!!

  4. I want to add that what's also not fair is that Mike can always resort to posting pictures of the two most adorable kids on the planet!

  5. From a peanut gallery so nosebleedingly lofty its rarefied atmosphere can scarce sustain life.

    Dear Ms. Janik,

    Please do stick with quality writing, as true talent will always win out over those whose main talents are shameless self promotion, membership in mutual appreciation societies, being photographed fawning next to D-list equally talentless Hollywood glitterati hacks and people that are so thoroughly convinced they are the worlds most unique snowflake that surely the universe must end immediately beyond the borders of their own navels. I of course refer not to any of those mentioned in your blog, but rather to everyone else who blogs as a form of public masturbatory ego inflation.

    Warmest regards,
    L. Bilious Screed esq.

  6. We have never met, but I have heard all about your adventures with Mr. Loveland. You are definetly selling yourself short and now I feel obligated to come visit you at Sprout so you can say you have anther famous friend.

    1. Consider yourself added to the list for the follow-up blog post. I mean, after we go out for drinks and become BFF, that is.

  7. I know you and always remember you (though I forget the names of your kids and don't know your boyfriend). So, with the fake powers bestowed upon me as the reigning Mr. Healdsburg I hereby deem you "knowable" "rememberable" "semi-famous" and most importantly, "cool". I also recognize Sprout as the official kid-clothes outlet of Mr. Healdsburg (or rather, his children) and would be happy to come by and take pictures of you and I shaking hands while I wear my silly cape, crown and stash for you to display in your store (or on your mantle). This will undoubtedly imbue you with surprising bouts of good fortune and possibly, cash.

  8. P.S. and yes your blog is fuckin hilarious and I will start sponsoring it, for free, in a series of Facebook posts to my enraptured minions -pronto.

  9. Janik Amanda,
    I have just rated your blog with a 5 kitten and a tail rating... I have also spent the last half hour to forty five minutes reading your words in front of a leprechaun green back round... Needless to say I feel as if it were the 14th again and you have generated my interest..Hence fourth I shall continue to randomly read your post... On a side note I respect the fact that you limited your kitten usage also..
    As a future reader I would like to request that you slightly slam scott keneally on a more regular basis(One paragraph per writing session).... I believe it would create more viewers...... Also it leaves room for others to chime in, in turn creating a more engaged reader and greater interest over all.... Im sure he would agree...
    That Guy

    1. Guy That,

      Thank you for your feedback. I will do my best to incorporate minimal kittens and maximum Scott Keneally into my future work. If you don't see it my posts, it is only because I wrote it, then took it out, so as not to seem too desperate.

      Thank you also for writing this review on my birthday. I know now that you are a true fan and are to be trusted. I'll try not to let you down.

      Janik Amanda